I love adult jokes. Whenever the kids aren’t around and it’s just a few of us older folks sitting around, nothing is better than laughing our butts off at some hilarious jokes for adults. So, I’ve compiled a list of some of our favorites. Hopefully you can use these at your next gathering or party.
Here are the Funniest 31 Jokes for Adults
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female . . . sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep . . . animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?”
The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”
A mother is in the kitchen one day, preparing dinner for the family.
Her young daughter walks in and asks her, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a while before deciding she ought to be honest with her daughter. She says, “Well honey, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and then they have sex.”
The daughter looks confused so the mother says, “That means that Daddy puts his penis in Mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.”
The daughter thinks for a moment and then seems to understand. Then she says, “Oh, I see. But the other night when I came into your room you had Daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
The mother replies, “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
What’s the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will search for a golf ball.
Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up . . . If you’re not in prison.
Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
“You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.
Haven’t seen R. Kelly’s sex tape? Well, urine for a surprise.
Life is like toilet paper: you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
“I’m going down to give blood.”
“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.”
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
“Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?”
“Sperm bank,” she says with her mouth full.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she’s 18.
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They’re going to call her Old Spice.
Do you know how to eat a frog?
You put one leg over each ear.
How are women and linoleum floors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
How can you tell she’s a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.
How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton’s toes.
How do you make a snooker table laugh.
Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
What did one tit say to the other?
I hope we get support soon or people will think we’re nuts.
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.”
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.”
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?”
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night . . . whether you’re here or not.”
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