The Truest, Most Definitive, and Un-Arguable List of the Best and Worst Desserts in America

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There is a lot of debate about which desserts Americans love the most. For good reason. Knowing which delicious, taste-tingling dessert is best is critical to having friends who come over to your house more than once. If, for example, you made the critical error of serving someone carrot cake when they arrived, well, you can safely kiss that friendship good-bye.

Without further ado, here are the top ten desserts you can safely enjoy the next time you have people over. Like, a four-way birthday party, for example.

The Definitive Top Ten Desserts In America

1. Chocolate Lava Cake

The only dessert worthy of being America’s number one dessert. It’s got everything, cake, fudgey gooeyness, strawberries, ice-cream. Not liking this cake probably means that you’re going to live an entire life of questionable choices and sadness.

2. Crumbl Chocolate Chip Cookies

We don’t even care that they violated child labor laws. Obviously you can only get cookies that taste this good by using the tears of children.

3. Lemon Bars

This is one of the most underrated and sometime forgotten desserts, but when it’s remembered, you can see the spark of joy in people eyes as they realize what they’ve been missing out on. Be the joy. Normalize lemon bars.

4. Lime Bars (not to be confused with lime bread, which is not, in fact, a dessert)

Lately, there’s been a trend to try and turn lime bars into lime bread. This is a mistake. They were meant to be bars. Bread is literally duck food. Don’t let your guests think they’re about to eat delicious lime bars and instead slide duck food onto their plates. Unless, of course, you’re bitter about making your own birthday treat.

5. Strawberries and Nutella

Easy. Classic. No baking involved, so that’s obviously a plus. But the six stage process of washing and cutting strawberries properly does become a bit tiresome. We recommend doing this out of site of your mother.

6. Almost Any Form of Ice Cream (Except pistachio)

As a rule of thumb, when there are literally hundreds of delicious flavors available to you, you should never choose the pistachio option. Like, do you hate delicious things and happiness? Do you think you’re a bigger person for eating the ice cream that is literally hated by everyone else in the world?

7. Crepes

Delicious. But a lot of work. Definitely get someone to make them for you then shame them if they rip them during the flip.

8. Cheesecake

It’s cheesy cake. Cheese and cake are literally two of the best things in the world. What’s not to love?

9. Otter Pops

Half the fun is in the risk of never knowing if today is the day you cut your lips and end up looking like the Joker. Unfortunately, not one person will ever be able to enjoy every flavor of Otter Pops. So make sure you find friends who want to eat the crappy flavors you leave behind.

10. The Eyes of Those Who like Carrot Cake

Even though you’re wise and smart enough to avoid the evils of carrot cake, not everyone is. Luckily, when they get their guaranteed heart attack from eating cake like it’s vegetables, the rest of us can benefit from eating their extra juicy and well-cared for eyes.

They are served best with an orange glaze and whip cream on top. Some people say you can see the person’s final moment–you know, the moment when they died choking on carrot cake and realized their mistake–with each bite you take.

The Worst Desserts in America

1. Carrot Cake

This cake tastes like the sadness of an entire childhood where no one came to your birthday parties. If you like this cake, you may need to seek out therapy.

2. Dinosaur Meteor Cake

This might sounds like a good idea for a cake, but it turns out meteors are hard to sink your teeth in to and they kind of decimate your cake when they fall out of the sky. Only serve this cake if you like chipping your guests teeth and disappointing toddlers.

3. Pumpkin Pie

It’s slimy. And I’m pretty sure the only reason this ever became a staple for Thanksgiving is to punish us for the sins of our founders.

4. Peanut Butter Chocolate Slime Bowls

Stop trying to make peanut butter slime bowls happen, Sam. They’re not going to happen.

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