19 Funny Dick Jokes

19 Funny Dick Jokes

Heads up, Empowered Shoppers, we’re a participant in affiliate marketing programs. For more information, see our disclosure here.

Look, dicks are funny. We get it.

While they may be important to men, they look pretty ridiculous to everyone else. So, you need to have a sense of humor when it comes to your dick. So, if you’re looking to laugh, then you’ve come to the right place. These are our favorite funny dick jokes.

Short and Funny Dick Jokes

  • There were three boys in the classroom: one named Zip, Dick, and Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pea jumps around outside. The teacher returns and yells: “Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!”
  • The elephant asked the camel: “Why do you have your breasts on your back? ”The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: “What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face.”
  • Why doesn’t Tom Cruise eat bananas? He can’t find the zipper!
  • Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants? Because his pecker is on his head!
  • What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? A urination.
  • Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open-minded.
  • What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.
  • This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee.
  • Why are women so bad at mathematics? Because men keep telling them that this (make the gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
  •  What’s the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
  • Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis? To get oxygen to his brain!
  • A man says to his wife: “Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.” His wife replies: “You have a bigger willy than your brother!”

Long and Funny Dick Jokes:

Funny Dick Joke #1:

A guy walks into a bar.

Guy: “Hey, barkeeper, give me a beer.”

Barkeeper: “Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I will give you a free beer and $500.”

So the guy walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs. The guy walks back in.

Guy: “Where’s my $500 and free beer?”

Barkeeper: “Alright, double or nothing says you can’t make that horse cry.”

The guy walks outside again. The barkeep chuckles to himself as he’s cleaning a glass and misses what the guy does, but he hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in.

Guy: “Alright, where’s my $1000 and two free beers?”

Barkeeper: “What did you say to make the horse laugh?”

Guy: “I told him I have a bigger penis than him.”

Barkeeper: “What did you do to make him cry?”

Guy: “I showed him.”

Funny Dick Joke #2:

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes.

Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith’s erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith’s love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. “Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you,” they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Joneses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Joneses said, “You helped the Smiths, why won’t you help us?”

After continued begging from the Joneses, the doc said “Okay, okay … stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges.”

Funny Dick Joke #3:

On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, “I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!”

The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, “I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!”

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first-grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions they could decide in which grade he belonged.

Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions . . . “What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?” asked the teacher.

“Legs!” Larry immediately replied. “What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?” asked the teacher.

“Pockets!” said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, “Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!”

Funny Dick Joke #4:

The 5 worst things about being a penis are:

  1. You have a hole in your head.
  2. Your best friend is a cunt.
  3. Your next-door neighbors are 2 nuts and an asshole.
  4. Every time you get excited you throw up.
  5. You always wear a collar.

Funny Dick Joke #5:

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word “penis” chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn’t say anything but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again – “penis,” this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again and went on with the lesson.

Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word “penis” again. With a red face, she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.

Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis gets bigger.

Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: “See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

You may also like the best funny long jokes we could find and the best funny sex jokes in the world.