We all want it, we all love it, and hell, it’s a pretty funny subject, too. So, don’t be all uptight when it comes to funny sex jokes.
Instead, laugh at yourself, at your partner, and at the very act. The better sense of humor you can have when it comes to sex jokes, the better you probably are at having it. Thus, if you’re looking to laugh your butt off, then check out our favorite funny sex jokes below.
Our Favorite Short and Funny Sex Jokes
- Haven’t seen R. Kelly’s sex tape? Well, urine for a surprise.
- My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, “your daughter” wasn’t the right answer.
- Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.
- Three words to ruin a man’s ego . . . ? “Is it in?”
- What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
- What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
- What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.
- What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
- Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they’re used to eating nuts.
- How is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
- What do you call two jalapeños getting it on? Fucking hot!
- What’s another name for a vagina? The box a penis comes in.
- What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!
- Know what a 6.9 is? Another good thing screwed up by a period.
- What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.
- Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
Long and Funny Sex Jokes Below
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see. But the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?”
Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?”
The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!” while I was waiting on the sofa . . . naked.
Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.
The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner.’ So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
To which the husband yelled, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
Guy 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Guy 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
Guy 1: “As if.”
Guy 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
Guy 1: “I don’t have a sister.”
Guy 2: “You will in about nine months.”
The bell rang for class to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, “John, why are you late?”
He replied, “I was on Cherry Hill.” Then he sat down.
Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, “Why are you late?”
Nathan answered, “I was on top of Cherry Hill.”
Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, “Kevin, where have you been?”
Kevin replied, “I was on Cherry Hill.”
Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, “Hi there, what’s your name?”
The girl replied, “Cherry Hill.”
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas.”
Do you have a favorite sex joke? Share with us in the comments below!