Being married is hilarious. You can’t help but laugh at the multitude of situations you’re put into with your spouse. And if you don’t have a sense of humor, then you’re going to have a rough go of it.
Luckily, most married folks I meet understand that a sense of humor is required. But just in case you need some help finding the humor in marriage, we’ve put together our favorite marriage jokes to share with you.
Here are the Funniest Marriage Jokes.
- A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
- How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
- What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
- Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!” Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room . . .”
- I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
- My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
- Why do guys gain weight after they get married? Because when they’re single, they come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.When they’re married, they come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.
- A married couple come to the marriage counselor. The wife complains: “We were having a perfect marriage until his girlfriend started dating my boyfriend.”
- A woman come to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body. The woman complains that it was her husband, who beat her. Doctor tells in surprise: “I thought your husband was out of town.” Th woman replies, “So did I.”
- A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
- Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
Longer Funny Jokes about Marriage
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?”
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door. It’s the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?”
She slams the door again.
Later that night, when her husband gets home, she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?”
“Yes I do.” says the lady.
The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”
A man walks into a barber shop and says, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, “You and I should spend some time in a hotel room.”
She replies, “My husband wouldn’t like that.”
The man says, “Tell him you’re working overtime, and I’ll pay you the difference.”
She says, “You tell him. He’s the one shaving you.”
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer.”
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”
The man said “My wife and I got into a fight,and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”
The bartender said “So what’s wrong with that”? The man said “Well the month is up tonight.”
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co-workers, clients, and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.
It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf. From now on I will be on time for dinner!”
Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave.
Dave was rushed to the hospital. Luckily, they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock.
Mary was livid!
“Wait I can explain,” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!”
“REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKE 3 HOURS TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR!?”
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite armchair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.
“Honey,” said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?”
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “It started . . .”
A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door.
The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. “Do you love her?”
The old man replied, “I guess.”
“Is she a good Christian woman?”
“I don’t know for sure,” the old man answered.
“Does she have lots of money?” asked the pastor.
“I doubt it.”
“Then why are you marrying her?” the preacher asked.
“She can drive at night,” the old man said
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Doug suggested.
“But what if my wife finds out?”
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!”
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried that – it never worked.”
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.
Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.”
“Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.”
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “yes.”
Says Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob says to the pharmacist: “We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.”
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
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